Too Safe?

My life is comfortable and it pretty much always has been. Sure I get bent out of shape sometimes and feel like I've been wronged or life isn't fair or certain things are harder than they should be, but life is still comfortable. In the midst of the comfort it's easy to fall into patterns of relying on myself and believing that I am in control. I begin to think of my friends and family as my world and forget that I'm not called to sit here in comfort but to be out in the dirt of the world.

I'm a creative, disorganized stay at home mom of 3 kids. I've got plenty of dirt, but it's all quite safe. At this time in my life my family is - and should be - my number one ministry. However, I'm open to other opportunities for ministry as well. I enrolled in a class on the creative use of technology in ministry, and I'm considering an opportunity to volunteer in a communication position for an organization I love and highly respect. These are exciting opportunities, but they too are quite safe.

I used to be a fearful person. I had mild to moderate panic attacks and often feared I was about to die. I still fear flying, and occasionally I'll take the stairs when I can't bring myself to get on an elevator. I've learned my triggers and coping skills and how to keep myself feeling safe. I accepted that, yes, I might have a heart attack or come crashing to the earth at a speed too great for my body to endure, but I can't control that. Plus, lying awake worrying at night became so exhausting that maybe I just got too tired to keep worrying (and years of pregnancy related hormones - my big trigger - finally leveled out).

Since i know how it feels to fear, it's easy to want life to stay, and feel, and be safe. I know I'll have a greater impact on the world if I get out of my comfort zone. In my head I'm willing to step out if the opportunity arises, but when a risky opportunity presents itself, how will I respond? Will I be able to see it as a prompting from God, or will I make excuses and stay safe?

Farewell 2010

The last half of 2010 brought with it more transitions than I've experienced since the addition of new little ones into our family. Sadly - and thankfully - we are past those types of transitions, but these transitions were major ones nonetheless. We did end up in our "perfect house" even though the first time I looked at it I knew it was not the house for us. Through the experience we realized that God's path is much better (although not always smoother) than the path we would take on our own. Many turns along the path to our new home were not ones we had planned...from the exact neighborhood where we planned to live to the square footage (this was not the downsize we thought we needed, but a much needed rearrangement of an almost identical amount of space) to details with the loan to the sale of our previous home. Every turn made us realize God is in control and has a better handle on our life than we do, for which we are so grateful.
The day we officially became owners of our new home was also the first day we had all three children in elementary school. This hasn't been a huge transition for me personally, as half day kindergarten still allows me to have my sweet boy home part of each day. It has, however, been a huge transition for him. He had never expressed any reservation about a move, so it surprised us when he was the one weeping about the loss of his house. It's been heartbreaking to hold him as he cries and asks, "Why did we lose the house, Mom?" as if this was done to us instead of a choice we made - I suppose he may feel that it was done to him, and he had no choice in it. This has made every little transition difficult for him. Many days he says he is sick and can't go to school and should stay home with me instead. Last week he sobbed and told us, "I can't handle that Christmas is over. I just can't handle it." And today he told me that he isn't a good enough artist to start the art lessons he's been begging for for months. He even tried to tell me he couldn't go because he didn't put a belt on and didn't look good enough to go (he never wears a belt and I think he always looks good!). While it's difficult to watch him struggle, I don't let him stay home, I nudge him out, tell him it will be OK, and I'll be here for him. Life's transitions will continue and maybe this is his time to prepare for that.
Maybe that's what God is teaching me in the transitions. To trust Him. That my way isn't the best way. That when things seem scary or even painful, that when I'm digging in my heals because I want it the way it's been, that there is more for me out there. He's nudging me out the door into new and better things. It's OK because He's there for me no matter what happens.

"Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone." -Jim Fiebig

The morning one is waiting to hear big news is not a good morning to have a work crew cut a cable and render the city devoid of communication.  Not that cell phone, landline, or internet service would have changed the outcome.  Another bid was accepted on the house we fell in love with.  We don't know the details.  Maybe we came in too low, maybe we waited too long, maybe the buyer was known by the seller (a rumor we have heard), but none of that matters now.  It's not our house, or yard, or garage.  It will be someone else's and we will (for now) stay where we are.  We will most certainly simplify right here.  We will make choices to spend our time wisely and put our family first.  We have learned a lot about letting God have control - probably even more today than we knew yesterday.  But we are disappointed.

Waiting and wondering and trusting.

We made an offer on the house this evening.  Being the thorough, meticulous - yes, anal - first-borns that we are, we came to our second look at the house equipped with a detailed list and a tape measure.  We determined that our family of five could certainly live comfortably in a house that is half the size of our current home.  It would mean getting rid of a lot of clutter that we rarely use and certainly don't need.  We would part with a few items that we love and would like to keep but just won't fit - specifically our antique piano and our treadmill.  A piano and a treadmill are a small price to pay for a simplified life.

While we measured and mulled, the kids occupied themselves by running in the backyard.  By the end of the hour, three kids were as ready and excited as we were to make an offer on the house.

Now we wait.  We have learned that we have competition on the purchase of the house.  Another offer is expected to come in the morning.  We all were feeling so much tension at supper that we barely ate.  We talked about how much we want this house - even our sweet little hold out.  We also reminded each other that God is in control of this situation.  He knows our family and what we need.  We feel confident that we need to simplify, and we feel this house is part of that answer.  It might not be.  If it is not, we will be sad.  Will have all pictured ourselves living there.  Even if this doesn't happen, this weekend has reaffirmed that our family and our faith in God are what really matter to us.  We are moving away from the things that take time away from those priorities, not a physical move but a move in our thinking.

A friend put it very simply in a text this evening, "Praise God that he is in control."  I'm excited to see where he is taking us!

Downsizing?

Today I told a friend, "Right now we all feel like the space & stuff are controlling our lives. The idea of living simpler and better is very appealing."

Both Scott & I have felt that way for some time now. Occasionally we've talked about moving to a different house, but the kids, knowing no other home in their lives, have been adamantly opposed.

Last evening, after telling a friend how we would love to have them over to our (non-existent) backyard so the kids could all play while we talked the night away, I decided to look at realtor.com. I felt guilty for indulging in my discontentment. I love my home, but it's so big we can't keep up with it and it is lacking a yard, garage, and working fireplace. We have plans in place to fix what is lacking, but it will take time & effort & money. The kids are rapidly growing up & we want to spend our time enjoying our family instead of pouring it into our home - either for improvements or upkeep.

Even so, I was still feeling guilty for looking at other houses. Until I found one that seemed (still seems) too good to be true. It's half the size of ours, has a lovely backyard (with a fabulous climbing tree), two car garage, newly updated interior (with a kitchen that looks so much like the one we just remodeled), gas fireplace, etc. And the price is right.

Even better, the kids are excited for the most part. We have one partial hold out (not the one you'd expect), but she does love the idea of the climbing tree and camping in the back yard. We saw the house this morning and hope to make an offer tomorrow. We've spent much time praying and thinking and discussing.

Looking back at my last post (on my other blog), I get a little sad. I love our home & the memories it contains, but if a move will help us continue to make more & better memories, I'm ready.

Time for change

It's been months since I've blogged and that is going change.  In fact a lot of things in my life are going to change.  I'm nearing the end over 6 years as a leader in my local MOPS group.  The experience has been one that has stretched and grown and bettered me.  It's also taken up a large portion of my time.  I'm excited to have that time back.  Another big upcoming change is that my youngest will be attending school five days a week this fall.  Still half days (for which I am very grateful), but that means even more hours each week to do what I want and need to do.  Other obligations are coming to an end as well and I now find myself in the position to decide how to structure my time instead of having obligations that must fit in to my schedule.  Not that I'll be sitting around twiddling my thumbs wondering what to do, no, I am sure I will be as busy as ever.  But I now get to decide what I want to fit into my days and when.  I feel as if I have purchased a brand new notebook with so much potential  - I can write whatever I want.  At the same time, I don't want to waste the pages.  I want to make every line count.  Stay tuned for some ideas of what I might pencil into the notebook.

Longing

As I revisit the few posts Scott and I made to our family blog exactly three years ago, I am unexpectedly struck by what almost feels like sadness or longing. Not a longing for the ages the kids were then or who they were then, or longing for who I was then (or even my age then). A longing for a chance to have the time back that I've wasted since then. Of course I haven't listened every time Benjamin pointed out a bit of nature or Katherine asked for another snack, but have I listened enough? As a mom, I often struggle with feeling like I should be doing more and being more. Mommy guilt. If you are a mom, you have it. Some days I have lots of it and some days I feel like I have it because I deserve it. I made choices that weren't wise. I yelled and broke a little spirit that is fragile, yet, thankfully, amazingly resilient. I wasted time on something trivial that should have been spent reading a book or playing a game. That longing or "mommy guilt" or conscience or whatever name you want to give it, serves a purpose. NOT to make me feel inferior or not good enough, but to spur me on to action.

A Passion for Love

I am a woman with many passions but I so easily hide those passions. I am afraid. Afraid of what others might think, afraid of being mocked, afraid of rejection.

I have a passion first and foremost to be loved.

I know in my head that I am loved by God. I feel it in the touch of my precious children I have been given to nurture; I feel it in the warmth of the sun on my face at the top of a mountain where the scene around me screams of His creation; I feel it in the gentle nudges to be better and wiser and more trusting; I know it from the truths in His word.

I know in my head that I am loved by my family. I see it in my husband's eyes; I see it in the sweet little notes written to me in cursive and print and wobbly crayon; I see it in all the gifts & tasks & meals & calls & help that my family - both near and far - showers upon me.

I know in my head that I am loved by my friends. I hear it in the laughter we share over coffee, the tears and prayers we share through struggles, and the love I feel through hugs and calls and time spent together.

I am loved beyond what some can even imagine and still I struggle knowing it in my heart. I struggle when life doesn't seen to go the way I planned. I struggle when strife overtakes harmony. I struggle when small insignificant acts make me feel unloved.

As a passionate woman I FEEL. I feel the highs and lows; the ups and downs; the good and the bad. I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way.

My muse.

"It never works to write for someone else, or to do something because it's something I think I should be doing" a fellow blogger recently wrote. While I like to think I've never had a problem with the latter, the former made me examine the question, "Why do I write?" If I am not writing for someone else, for whom am I writing? When attending writing workshops, I am told to "know my audience." Is it for them I am writing? It is TO them I am writing, but is it really FOR them? That's an important question for me to answer for myself. If I write to impress someone I will not be writing with honestly or transparency or vulnerability. If my writing lacks those things, it is not a true reflection of myself. It is shrouded in pride and vanity and not worth the time in takes someone to read much less me to write. A few days ago I wrote the most honest, heartfelt words I have written in months. I was feeling lost, defeated, and at the end-of-my-rope. I did not try to edit my words or worry about how the person to whom I was writing would interpret those words. I was writing for myself - not selfishly - but for myself. I needed to vent, to de-stress, to pour out my emotions. My intent was not to impress or persuade or even send the words I was writing. And as a result, I let my guard down and simply wrote. In fact, it wasn't even a conscious decision, my situation that day stripped away all the facades I've carefully crafted and left behind only me. And I wrote.

Family Hike

Today we went on our first family hike together. After a slow start (we hit the trailhead at about 10:30 - too late to miss the heat of the day), it appeared that we would have a long trek ahead of us. About a quarter mile into a 2.4 mile round trip hike up the 400 foot bluff, Faith was already asking to turn around. "I'm ready to quit," she declared with enough force to make me dread the rest of the trip. Soon we realized a full bladder was to blame for her defeated attitude. (I must mention that she had relieved herself just 15 minutes earlier at the visitor's center - of course we wouldn't attempt such an endeavor without the obligatory stop.) A quick lesson in how to make due without modern facilities and we were back on our way. 400 vertical feet later, two very proud little hikers, mom, dad, and Benjamin (who had bounced his way up in the stroller) were enjoying the best tasting pb&j ever eaten! The hike down was punctuated with many exclamations of "look how far we've hiked" and "wow, we started way down there." As Faith and I neared the spot of her first "pit stop" she was amazed. "I can't believe when we were here on the way up I wanted to quit!" I told her how proud I was of her and she echoed the sentiment. We waited for Scott, Kate, and Benjamin to catch up so she could praise them too! A brief stop ("This museum is BORING, can we leave," announced Katherine) in the visitors center completed our outing to Scottsbluff National Monument. It was a wonderful time; the first of what we hope to be many such family outings. In fact, we've been doing some research and plan to hit the Devil's Backbone Loop trail near Loveland, CO next Monday. Care to join us?

Big Boy

Benjamin is very quickly becoming our "big boy" and no longer a baby. He is now nearly 20 months old and talking non stop. For awhile we kept track of his words and by 18 months old he was saying over 60 words - he's got to have over 100 by now! My favorite new word of his is "monkey" with lots of emphasis on the "key" and usually followed by the "ooh, ooh, ooh" monkey noise. He loves to applaud himself for all his big boy feats - jumping (his feet actually leave the ground a few millimeters now), helping pick up his toys, and pottying in the potty chair! Today after one of his accomplishments he looked at me and said, "Big boy? - me!", as he raised his hand in the air. He loves to raise his hand in the air to indicate he wants to be included. "Who wants ice cream?" Benjamin raises his hand. "Who wants chocolate milk?" Benjamin raises his hand. "Who wants to go outside?" Benjamin raises his hand and begins to jump excitedly. "Who is ready for a nap?" Benjamin scowls. He is so much fun!