Too Safe?

My life is comfortable and it pretty much always has been. Sure I get bent out of shape sometimes and feel like I've been wronged or life isn't fair or certain things are harder than they should be, but life is still comfortable. In the midst of the comfort it's easy to fall into patterns of relying on myself and believing that I am in control. I begin to think of my friends and family as my world and forget that I'm not called to sit here in comfort but to be out in the dirt of the world.

I'm a creative, disorganized stay at home mom of 3 kids. I've got plenty of dirt, but it's all quite safe. At this time in my life my family is - and should be - my number one ministry. However, I'm open to other opportunities for ministry as well. I enrolled in a class on the creative use of technology in ministry, and I'm considering an opportunity to volunteer in a communication position for an organization I love and highly respect. These are exciting opportunities, but they too are quite safe.

I used to be a fearful person. I had mild to moderate panic attacks and often feared I was about to die. I still fear flying, and occasionally I'll take the stairs when I can't bring myself to get on an elevator. I've learned my triggers and coping skills and how to keep myself feeling safe. I accepted that, yes, I might have a heart attack or come crashing to the earth at a speed too great for my body to endure, but I can't control that. Plus, lying awake worrying at night became so exhausting that maybe I just got too tired to keep worrying (and years of pregnancy related hormones - my big trigger - finally leveled out).

Since i know how it feels to fear, it's easy to want life to stay, and feel, and be safe. I know I'll have a greater impact on the world if I get out of my comfort zone. In my head I'm willing to step out if the opportunity arises, but when a risky opportunity presents itself, how will I respond? Will I be able to see it as a prompting from God, or will I make excuses and stay safe?

Farewell 2010

The last half of 2010 brought with it more transitions than I've experienced since the addition of new little ones into our family. Sadly - and thankfully - we are past those types of transitions, but these transitions were major ones nonetheless. We did end up in our "perfect house" even though the first time I looked at it I knew it was not the house for us. Through the experience we realized that God's path is much better (although not always smoother) than the path we would take on our own. Many turns along the path to our new home were not ones we had planned...from the exact neighborhood where we planned to live to the square footage (this was not the downsize we thought we needed, but a much needed rearrangement of an almost identical amount of space) to details with the loan to the sale of our previous home. Every turn made us realize God is in control and has a better handle on our life than we do, for which we are so grateful.
The day we officially became owners of our new home was also the first day we had all three children in elementary school. This hasn't been a huge transition for me personally, as half day kindergarten still allows me to have my sweet boy home part of each day. It has, however, been a huge transition for him. He had never expressed any reservation about a move, so it surprised us when he was the one weeping about the loss of his house. It's been heartbreaking to hold him as he cries and asks, "Why did we lose the house, Mom?" as if this was done to us instead of a choice we made - I suppose he may feel that it was done to him, and he had no choice in it. This has made every little transition difficult for him. Many days he says he is sick and can't go to school and should stay home with me instead. Last week he sobbed and told us, "I can't handle that Christmas is over. I just can't handle it." And today he told me that he isn't a good enough artist to start the art lessons he's been begging for for months. He even tried to tell me he couldn't go because he didn't put a belt on and didn't look good enough to go (he never wears a belt and I think he always looks good!). While it's difficult to watch him struggle, I don't let him stay home, I nudge him out, tell him it will be OK, and I'll be here for him. Life's transitions will continue and maybe this is his time to prepare for that.
Maybe that's what God is teaching me in the transitions. To trust Him. That my way isn't the best way. That when things seem scary or even painful, that when I'm digging in my heals because I want it the way it's been, that there is more for me out there. He's nudging me out the door into new and better things. It's OK because He's there for me no matter what happens.