School

Sometime during my busy Friday at work, a friend sent a message that asked, "Did you hear about Connecticut?" I said "No", but I was too busy to inquire further when I got no response back. At a school program that night, someone mentioned a shooting that had happened. I looked at my husband who said, "At a school. A kindergarten class." A knot formed in my stomach that has grown with each new detail I've read. In a few short hours my family will wake and 4 of the 5 of us will go off to school. I believe that God is in control of my life. I believe that if it is my time to leave this earth it will happen, and if it's not it won't, and that God knows when that day will be and no one can change that - not me or my family or someone with a gun. But today I want to stay home. I really don't want to sit in my office inside the school's front doors. I don't want two of my kids in different parts of the building and my other kid in a building across town. I want to be home cleaning the house and wrapping presents and preparing for Christmas as a family. But life is not about hiding away, so today I will hug my kids a bit tighter and pray a bit harder, and we will go.

"What if there is no happy in school?"

We're working on looking for the positive in school this year, but so far B's response is: "What if I can't find the happy in school? What if there is no happy in school?" I'm not sure if that's better or worse than his response to the first day of school last year: "Mom, what can you do to get me out of this?" :(

This breaks my mom-heart and makes me question if I am doing the right thing. I've considered home schooling. I've thought and prayed about it for two years. I've visited with friends about it. I have not felt right about doing it. I took a job at my son's school where I'm close to him (that's not why I took it, but I felt like it would be a good perk). I'm confident he has a good teacher and he is in a good school, but as his mom I wonder if that's good enough for him.

Right now we'll keep loving and encouraging him at home and in school. We'll give him opportunities to be exactly who God made him to be, and we'll encourage him to be his best everywhere. And we'll keep praying and parenting as best as we can. Even when the answers don't come easy.