Idol

I'd planned my next blog post to be an update on Benjamin's room, but as with all home improvement projects, it's much slower going than I'd hoped. The walls have been painted, the closet organized, and the furniture rearranged. I'm waiting to put the finishing touches on a special painting request and for the arrival of curtains that aren't for the windows. Hopefully soon.

In the mean time, I'll turn my attention back to a more serious topic. (Dear Reader, By now I'm sure you don't know what to expect each time my blog pops up on your feed. That's really not so different from the real me I suppose, so I invite you to keep reading. I promise you'll learn a little more about me no matter where my topics jump. Feel free to comment - encouragement, challenges, even disagreements - I welcome the dialog.)

Idolatry. This was the title of last Sunday's sermon, part of the series "Breaking Free" which has also included such topics as Greed, Pride, and Hypocrisy (which appropriately came just days after my fender bender post). While I've been challenged by some of the other sermon topics, I really wasn't expecting to find much in Idolatry. I understand that idolatry doesn't mean bowing down before idols - I know it can, but for the typical American Christian this probably isn't much of a temptation. It's what we choose instead of God that becomes an idol. This is a concept I've heard many times in many churches. My priorities - where I spend my time and money - show my true heart. If I'm spending all my time and money on gambling instead of nurturing my family and helping others, gambling is my idol. As I said, I really didn't expect to see any problems in my life in this area. Then I heard, "Those things in your life that give you your sense of self worth or your identity, those are your idols." This was so much bigger than Pride or Greed or even Hypocrisy. I am a confident person, at times I probably come across as overly confident, even uncaring. For the most part I don't let what others think about me effect how I feel.  Sure I like people to like me, but if they don't it doesn't bother me...or so I thought. Suddenly I realized how often I do let my perception of what someone thinks of me control what I think about myself. Not strangers or acquaintances, but those close to me. It's somewhat hard for me to admit (because it sounds weak, right?) but when a friend doesn't seem to notice me, or when someone close drifts away, it affects how I think about myself. My self worth takes a hit and sometimes a big one. Not until Sunday did I really get it. I saw it as their problem not mine (there is that confidence - aka pride - rearing its head). I didn't see it as me setting up my relationships as an idol. But that is exactly what it is. When I choose to find my self worth in anything external, I'm putting more weight in what others think than what God thinks. And God thinks I'm pretty cool. In fact, he thinks I'm so amazing that he was willing to sacrifice Jesus for me. No relationship bump should ever make me think differently. I rarely take notes in church, but I wrote, "So much about me hinges on how my relationships make me feel about myself. My relationships are my idol." This realization doesn't mean I'll immediately stop feeling this way, but it does mean that I'll work harder to look to the God who dwells within me, for my sense of self worth and not leave it up to the fickleness of human feelings - mine or others.

Photo copyright PriyadarshiC.

Lesson In A Fender Bender

I was in an accident today...the first in my nearly 40 year existence. It was minor as accidents go. I nearly avoided it, but not quite. I was driving straight, the other driver coming onto the street via a curve with a yield sign. He didn't see me, so he didn't yield. I saw that he wasn't yielding so I changed lanes and got as close to the median as I could; I laid on my horn when I realized he was continuing on into my lane; I yelled in frustration as I heard the crunch. I was ticked off. No, I was angry. Our vehicle is less than three years old and we've already had two major hail claims, the last of which has yet to be fixed because the body shop has been putting us off month after month after month. This makes three major incidents. Anything like this means more inconvenience, especially since we are a single car family. I had a few choice words to say as I pulled into a parking spot nearby (don't ask my son about that, he'll probably repeat it). Honestly, I was ready to give the guy a piece of my mind. As I watched in my rear view mirror, he pulled into the parking spot behind me. I looked. I looked again. I couldn't believe it was actually someone I knew - an older gentleman whom I've interacted with briefly on a number of occasions. Instantly I felt bad. It was an accident. He hadn't seen me. All my anger melted away. I greeted him kindly. We exchanged few words (it was 18 degrees below zero), then sat in our respective vehicles to wait for the police officer to arrive and write his report. I busied myself with talking to my son and sending a few text messages. When I arrived home, I phoned the man's wife and told her they should not feel bad. It was an accident. Accidents happen. I was genuinely gracious.

Not until this afternoon did I remember how angry I had been, and how ready I had been to tell the offending driver just what I thought of him. I was hit by the hypocrisy of my attitude. Does a stranger not need my grace and kindness as much as an acquaintance? Was my anger justified because it would have been relatively anonymous? Did I only change my attitude to save face? Was my first reaction really the reaction of my heart? Gulp. How often do I show that side of myself when I don't think anyone is looking, or when it's "only" my children or family? May I see this as a fortuitous lesson to show grace and kindness to those around me always, no matter who they are.

Opportunity Knocks

For some time now, I've been praying that God will draw me and our family closer to Him. That is a desire of mine always, but at times in my life I pray more specifically along those lines. I've learned in the past that it can be a dangerous prayer to pray. It causes changes and challenges for which I am not always prepared, but through which I am always made better. As I've prayed this prayer over the past months, I've also prayed for opportunities for us as a family or individually. My girls have both had good friends move away in the past few years, so I've prayed for opportunities to make new friends to fill the gaps they feel. Faith desires to be a missionary, so I've prayed about possible opportunities for her to go to Haiti where our church takes a group on a semi-annual basis. I've prayed that Scott would be able to go with her so I'm not sending my pre-teen out of the country without a parent. I've prayed that we will be better parents and show our kids unconditional love (and God has given us MANY opportunities to practice that - and there is much more practice ahead I'm sure).

I have spent exactly ZERO time praying about going on a mission trip myself. I have never left the country although I've always assumed I'll go somewhere someday (thinking more along the lines of anniversary trip to Europe rather than a mission trip). Missions has always been something that I've been very willing to support when friends and family have an opportunity to go, but nothing I've considered for myself. Until last week.

I received a call from my dad asking if I would join a group of teachers going to Africa in late May. They will be working in Uganda and needed one more teacher to join the team - a preschool teacher (my occupation before parenthood). My first reaction when my dad called: Nice thought, it feels good to be considered, but no way!  I'm not going to leave my family for 2+ weeks to go across the globe. I'll bow out gracefully. Good, then I won't have to fly all that way. (Yes, I really think such things.) Instead of verbalizing all that, told him I'd pray about it and think about it and discuss it with Scott. So we did and I did and I discussed it with a few friends. Overwhelmingly I was left with a feeling of excitement and possibilities. Scott and I made the decision that I'll go. We have some logistics to work out yet. The kids will be out of school by the time I leave, and it's not practical for Scott to take two weeks off work. I have much fundraising to do in a very short time (most of the people on the team to Uganda have been raising funds for months and plane tickets will be purchased soon).  However, I believe that this opportunity is from God, so I know these logistics will fall into place.

As I prepare for this adventure, I know I'll have much more to share, but I'll close with Jeremiah 33:3, which says, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." I'm calling to God and ready to learn all that He has in store for me through this opportunity. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone!

My dad in Uganda at the school where we'll be working.